”Reading this prose is injurious to your health. You have been warned!”

1. 

My last mission was an abject failure. And when something of this calibre occurs, I can’t help but become struck with sadness. In my trade, it is called “You trip and fall in front of your target.”

As my furtive steps scaled the carpet floor of an apartment that had been retread and scaled in my mind several times, I snuck inside a brown cupboard, besides the bed. Through the tiny crevice between these two tall partings, a muscular man wearing a towel over his waist came out of the bathroom door. He dried his toes with the bushy carpet. As his back turned towards me, I gulped silently. Time to….

“I know you are there. Come out.”

My heartbeat leapt out my chest. But I moved out of the cupboard without hesitation. Out in the field, my body blindly follows its own command. 

Brandon stood there with a towel over his forehead like a bandana, striking an half-crouched pose. Inside my rubber mask, lips curved upwards,

 “I am impressed. You are not easily disturbed unlike the others.” 

“Haha. National heavy weight champion of Karate! You think I can be easily killed.”

Before we could begin, I had to initiate,

 “Can I ask you something? What is your relationship to death?”

“What a simple question? Death is something I put on the line to get thrill, pure joy. Be it yours or mine. I shall enjoy it.”

Completely fits the profile. This man had punched 3-5 combatants to death inside the ring.  Recently, he touched the vipers nest and killed one of its kind. And the vipers ordered the death contractor to take care of this mess. We are so alike, and yet so far.

I laughed,

“You are exactly like I imagined. So brave and….” 

After this, started a series of taunts,

“You think you can beat me. With those tiny arms. Look at me, my temple. You can’t even graze my shield.”

Stupid…. 

“You and I speak different truths. We could never be friends in real life.”

“Huh…”

Even before he could open his mouth, I lunged towards him. Underneath my arms was my secret weapon. Everything ended in a blur. Instinctively, he threw a piece of wood, which I could dodge behind. As I neared him effortlessly, he threw his infamous “Tiger kick” that could punch a hole through the wall, even killing a fighter. If Brandon had fought inside a ring with his fellow fighters this would have worked for sure, using the confinement to his advantage. But inside my domain, the rules exist for my sake. And for my godly shiv. A shiv that knows every damn vein inside the human body, slicing exactly along the protrusion on the skin. Sidestepping through his kick and ducking with extreme speed, I lodged a shiv in between his crotch. Blood guzzled out as I pulled it out clean. 

Instant incredulity rushed to his face after which I sliced his throat. Seconds later, the giant fell on his face lying on his pool of blood.

Although I did well, it was a complete failure. Keeping up with my instinct, I had forgotten my objectives. My job description is assassination, not murder. Not only that, I had wished to meditate along with him after I injected neurotoxin on him. But the windows of fate were nailed shut. 

Skip to the next evening. I walked through the narrow streets of Hong Kong, areas which usually made me feel calmer, at home. As the Sun went down, I welcomed the new found darkness and sorrow in my heart. Although the street illuminated brighter with predominantly red and green neon light, it did not help me gain my strength from the debacle a day earlier. In the corner I saw a McDonalds’ burger stand. Immediately, I approached and ordered through the intercom,

“What do you want?”

“What do you recommend for a broken heart? Something to heal my sadness.”

There was a pause and the voice returned with a heavier tone,

“Sir, we have some promotion. MCheezy and Coke, only for 5 HKD. McDy Triple Burger for only 6 HKD.”

“Ohhh! What’s special today?”

The feminine voice crackled from the other side,

“Nothing, Sir. This is for your sadness.”

“Give me the Triple Cheesy Burger with extra cheese.”

I never knew. I never knew this was a possibility…..

“Thank you Ma’am. I love you too.”

Nothing soothed me more than the waxy surface of its cover. As I munched on the triple layers of cheese and meat, intermixed with chillies and tomatoes, the flavours exploded in my mouth, sending elation straight to my brain. My presence melted into the burger and its surroundings, the narrow corridors lit intensely by the awkward signs welcoming everywhere all at once. Other people marched around me coming back and forth. On the adjacent track, motorcyclists were slick in manoeuvring the crowd. I could hear hundreds, no thousand hearts trembling at the same time. Their veins popping out, pulsing, the gushing of blood reverberating through the walls, concrete and steel.

At that very instant, everything felt within my arms reach. In this blinding brightness, my gaze caught on darkness, entirely made of crevices, nooks and cronies of the Hong Kong, no the world. 

“Don’t worry.” I said to myself. Only then a specific kind of mixture showed itself. Or more of, it caught me with its gaze. 

A wrinkly face, it was studying me through a door half-open using a stop. For how long? Gulp…

Drawn in, I set forth into a tiny room lined with shelves, containing odd items, beings stored in formalin, polychrome beads, a pig’s head behind a dubious globe. And in the corner was a heap of books.

“Come in, my dear.”

“He…llo”

“Take a seat, my dear.” 

As I approached the other corner, she leaned in forward sliding the glowing ball with her breast caught my hands with predator’s claws. I couldn’t move my slender arms an inch. What a shame?

Only up close could I see those white irises, like shining pearls. Standing in awe over those shining ones, her words caught me by surprise.

“Oh my, you have travelled so far all by yourself. Carried out so many deeds.. Oh no, how could this be? You are only starting the end,..”

She shrieked in horror, almost fainting at her own words and regained herself.

What part of truth has these all-knowing eyes pierced through? Ahh shit.

“Listen, my brave traveller. You will carry out total 20 missions. 20th will be your final. You who had gracefully carried out your mission shall meet your end.”

10… for 2 years, 18 maybe. That has been my total. So I have two, no one more. What madness is this?

She eased her clutches. I cut through the rain of beads that decorated the door leaving as I came in,

“Wait…… I have more to say.”

I didn’t want to hear the end. 

2.

“Chasiu” bar was not available for entry today. In front of the bar, was a decently sized line curving sticking close to the walls. Line is for suckers. As for me, I went straight to the bouncer, “Welcome back, Shiv.” His eyes didn’t move much behind the black shades. The tall towering man opened up the door for me. 

Gaining exclusive entry to this place meant doing one job for the owner. And the owner gave usually easy, pesky targets, sometimes odd ones. Immediately inside the club were blue and red neon lights rolling and flickering around hundreds of shadows moving and bumping vigorously onto each other. In the crowd of my unspoken and innocent subjects, were my kind, my fellow assassins. 

Right in front of the entrance was a man with a rotund stature wearing the fedora. His belt buckles were poking out of his belly. No shop would sell him a suit or a shirt. He was holding a tiny glass of blue spirit with his giant fingers joined to his “Cold Arms”, the same fingers that could crush the target’s necks and spines like sticks. One could wonder(I always did) how he even closed the distance without breaking the floor with his feet. Although asked using a different set of words, he replied in a distant tone, “Nobody expects anything from me, especially to an assassin. One victim, a woman in Australia, took pity on me. I killed her after a good round of pounding, strangled after we had an orgasm.” His methods were simple but brutal from the descriptions given from newspapers and TV. 

Cue to the present time, no one in the club would even dare to arm wrestle this man. 

To the far end, was a hooded dwarf barely touching the ground from the hollowed hemispherical chairs. In his belt of tricks were the usual unorthodox poison, accidents, and electric shocks, but the best of them all was as he said, “I can tuck into any corner of the world. Say there is a gap between the stairs and the floor, I am there.” His best was taking the place of the sponge in a car-seat to catch a Target behind his bullet proof windows off guard. All it took was a tiny prick from one of his syringes and boom, two weeks later, done.

Mixed with the normal people, were these clandestine loners who were each unique contractors of death. They sung lullabies. And to my furthest corner was “Lord Yama” with his tall and those immaculate cheekbones. He could easily go for an Indian Bond. And the plain guy playing darts, with buzzed hair, “Buzz Kill”. Honestly he was the worst of us all, a distant relative to the bar owner. I kept my distance for the “rats” will soon feed upon his corpse.

I carefully approached “Cold” with my arms at head level. 

“Hey Cold.”

“Hmm…..”

 “Did you pass your time well?” with a grunt, words ejected.

 “Kid, is this all a game to you?”

“Isn’t it? The best game that powers my life.”

He spit on the side through his thickets.

“Damn those words on your mouth! How do you enjoy any of this?”

“It is all fate, “Cold”. Enjoy or suffer. In the saint Buddha’s words, we are preordained to act this way. I, as my uncle guided me, have been following the words of this saint. “

 “Another one! I hear about this nutjob uncle for the million’th time. He fucked you up, buddy. With his isolation, and constant badgering of ideas.”

“He is the one who took me in, after the death of my parents. He is the only one who took care of me, taught me everything. Okay, I accept he was not the most sane person I have met. But, he…….. he was family.”

“And took your burgers from you.”

I flinched at his words, digging a buried part of the past.

“Uh…….. That was uncalled for.”

Cold Arms paused and took a large sip from the blue spirits.

“Sorry lad…. You know how to get me riled up.”

“Okay tell me something. What are your desires?”

 “I don’t have any secret desires about this world. Everybody is tryna just hold on and survive in this pig’s asshole. Except you.”

He gleamed his yellow teeth and some black ones mixed, that I could hold it in my memories for years, and bury it later. 

Soon, Yama walked into our sphere and let us know his presence. 

“What is the news of the day?”

“Nothing.”

This man’s nosey behaviour knew no limits. It is better to cover things up, before it sees the light of the day. But I honestly didn’t care that day.

“I am talking about this game of life and death. That we are enactors of karma-driven justice.”

Yama side-eyed me with a sharp glance, that it could punch holes through me and the bartender behind me.

‘Cold’ laughed out loud.

“Master….. manip… struck again.”

 “No seriously. Every assassination is a set. Each actor has to play their role. The end is with the strong, the ones with high karma, playing with the weak, but letting them pass away in their own style.”

Both of them went turn by turn.

“Didn’t understand a word of it. Nobody’s playing any set or game here.” 

“Spectacular. Spectacularly incoherent. Who, except you, does it for a play? A web of games, is it. You make even the worst conspiracy theorist blush, with your ideas.”

‘Cold’ shot back.

“Quit your babbling, mister High-society.” 

Such negativity has barely daunted my efforts. 

“So you don’t care if they die properly or not?”

“Simply put, I don’t. All I care for is my own hide. And making money, of course. I don’t owe the world anything. I treat it just it treats me.” 

“You are blinded by your hatred towards the world.”

Yama closed in and reached towards my neck. Before I could reach the Shiv lodged inside my shirt’s hidden pocket, Cold flayed his large fingers in-between to intercede.

“Careful what you do here, Yama. We are not a bunch of children. ” 

His posh, slowly uttered words turned into a fest of fast ones.

“Shut it, Cold. And you, you talk like you know shit, Shiv. I don’t do this to bring peace or kindness. For all the cruelty inflicted on me, I could never do such a thing…..”

His brown lips swung up and down wildly. Low bass passed into inner corners of my heart through the floor, easing me into the surroundings.

“Then why do you care then so much?” 

“…What?”

“You were going for my neck. Why care then?”

“Leave the kid alone. He’s got a stellar backbone than you. You are his senior. You should be teaching.. him things. Instead he’s the one who plays with you.”

Yama darted back to his table, saying “I hate you two, more than this damn world”. Cold smiled wide. Upon asking why, he replied “Oh nothing. Just having a good day.” 

Honestly, I don’t care for what Cold gained, or what Yama thinks. I care only for the “music”, how it makes you feel the way through the world. Both of them had such discordant tones at their cores of being.

But even that is all fated to end….

3.

Pale bluish white saucer seldom snuck behind the gray clouds, painting the dark sky and the clouds with its hue. Long and sturdy steel beams making up the heavy mover by the port, cracked as its entire body twisted to carry the containers from the anchored ships. Red light blinked on the drapes of the windows, possibly the port lights. Traffic was unnaturally high for a time close to midnight.

How could this white doll sleeping right in front of me,  close her eyes to a world, this boisterous and violent? How does she plan to fight the deadly touch of my shiv that I am holding now? Definitely not using her slender frame, or bony arms.  The contractor said that the target was simple and easy. It was a young lady, a mistress of a powerful leader in a country I wish not to disclose. She had threatened to come out in the public, which the leader wants it dealt with.

The petite blonde woman soared and fell with the same energy, snoring with her mouth ajar and drooling. Moonlight showered her eyelids and her face with adulation, that didn’t need any more. For an instant, it took my breath away. 

‘This is a siren from the Greek myths. If not for my mission, I would be dead.’ I thought.

Covering her lower body was a blanket with flower patterns. Her angelic face brought back memories of my uncle’s face, especially his serene eyes as he slept in his death bed, a hospital out of nowhere. He commanded in a calm low tone suitable for someone weak,

“Kill me, Ben.” Everything turned black after that. 

I pulled out from my memory dip. Those three words threw me off. With every second, the traffic grew outside in intensity and my palpitations too.

‘Oh no, I made a mistake. This should be my 20th.’

Her eyelids parted open, as bright light from a truck sliding the walls onto her face, or perhaps it was my breathing.

x —————————————————————————————————————–x

I am jammed with so many emotions. My beloved, Karim Shah, is a sweet man, constantly showering me with praises and gifts. The fateful encounter happened when I was ordered by my ‘boss’ to attend a diplomatic meeting in Kuwait. As per usual, I had spent hours, before the meeting, applying my best makeup accentuating my eyes.

 I faced a group of possibly important men; one man with tall stature and a beard on his face smiled at me. For an instant, I forgot who I was. A simple ‘party girl’ as they say. We spoke and bonded. Moments later, both of us ended in bed. He asked me to move to his country, which according to the morning news, he was a dictator of.

A year passes by without any problems. In spite of all the gifts and the adoration, something was not right. I had to ask him, ‘Why are you keeping me at a distance?’

I don’t remember his answer. After this, he reduced his amount of visits. Only then, did the anger and anguish bubble to the surface. On my bed, he would confess his sorrows about his current wife and the empire. Why not just take me as his main one?

I sent him a message, if he does not divorce his wife and marry me, I will disclose all the information about our affair. He didn’t reply and stopped visiting me altogether.

He had appeared in my dreams since then, opening his wide arms, to which I fall into. His giant feathery wings soothe me so eternally. One such night, something tore through my dreams.

As I woke up, I found another man completely clad in a rubber suit like that of a diver and a mask. He was holding a lustrous pointy object. For an instant, I thought it was Karim in a very clandestine outfit, running away from his enemies. Maybe that is the reason.

But alas, his features were different, with fish like eyes similar to that of an Asian’s and physique slimmer and shorter.

“Who?”

The man was taken aback by my question. He cleared his throat and breathed through the latex.

“Nobody important. You should forget that I came here.”

“Wait…… Did Karim send you?”

Another shock sent him frozen into a mannequin. Moments later, heat  returned and he spoke.

“Yes, I was sent by him….. ‘s a complete failure.”

As he turned to walk away, I yelled.

“No!! Where are you going? Do, what you came for?” 

Yes, open the letter sent by my beloved, Karim, using that letter-opener you hold. Sorry Karim, I was wrong to push you away. I should have been more patient. His eyes gleamed under the light passing through the windows. 

“Oh my ancestors! You will be the end of me.”

I had always known that Karim is a dictator, paranoid and cut-throat like any other. Out there, he is. But in this room, he is a completely different man.

“Don’t worry. I know you were supposed to do it without my awareness. Now the cat’s out of the bag, you cannot do anything. But don’t worry, he will spare you.”

He squeezed his eyes with his long slender fingers, turned about and left the room. And I was left with the vacuum in the room, ultimately filled with the port noises from nearby, cars and strangers walking by the room.

My mother always taught me to sit waiting patiently for things. People need their time to reconsider. Messengers shouldn’t be shot at the bad news or severe incompetence, you see. 

This time, he came in with bloodshot eyes,

“What….”

He quickly held my arms with his left hand, and covered my mouth with the other one. Not a messenger, is he…..

“Listen little Lamb. What you saw an adorable beast is a fierce one. What the teeth couldn’t tear apart, the death incarnate was made to disappear.”

The latex was cold and smooth, throttling my heart uncontrollably. This one is not the same how Karim made me feel, something more primal. Something that I remembered from childhood. On top of that, listening to him recite those lines in an equally cool voice froze my body. 

When I was ten, I remembered a documentary about Bengal Tigers. Some villagers would feed a Tiger by sending its way a restrained goat every month. One such day, the Lamb had come off its binds and yet it froze on its tracks once it saw the Tiger growl. I shouted at the telly, “Run, little Lamb.” as if it could reach it.

No, it didn’t move an inch. I thought it a fool.

But now, who is the fool?

x —————————————————————————————————————–x

This woman is too slow to realise her situation. She even let me get this close, and now her eyes say it all. The frozen terror of a lamb, when every muscle in its body betray its owner. She felt to be in my mercy. Something wild and monstrous peaked out from the bushes, waiting for it to gobble the lamb whole.

Her shallow breaths felt cold in my arms and I awoke from my beastly slumber. Something powerful overtook my melodious tones, that was uncalled for. Subsequently, I uncovered her mouth and let her speak.

“Let me go. If Karim learns about this, he will have you hanged.”

“Oh dear. Give it a try.”

She was taken aback.

“Is there no place for mercy here?”

 “Listen, Red Riding hood. You are lucky, I am going to save you from this wolf you are enamored with. We are going to stage a murder. So your beloved Karim will be off our asses. I have my mortuary contacts, so should be easy as pie.“

“You need to leave this country if you want to be alive.”

“What…? But…Ka”

She seemed a little flabbergasted. Out came a shreak.

“No… Noooo. It can’t be. He would never….”

I covered up her mouth again, and she muffled her words into tears halfway. In the deepest corners in my heart, there resided a blemish of pity for her. Instantly, the world crushed it under its heels, like a bug. 

x —————————————————————————————————————–x

Whoof, that was a close one. Although it took some consoling, she finally accepted her fate, albeit with suppressed cries and mumbles, and left for her country, the UK. But the expression was worse than death. Her eyes shrunk and refused to look outside. Her cheeks were swollen and wet with tears.

And the final words she spoke were, “I don’t have anybody waiting for me.” These exact words of a forlorn siren crashed my senses. Even the ones well-versed with art of death found one thing about death consoling, that there is no coming back. No coming back to the world of toil and responsibility.

She, on the other hand, was chosen by fate to live, to be left untouched by her assassin. Even the worst of the worst, my uncle was given a kind treatment from his cancer. But the living like me had to live with my actions.

Maybe the death is the kinder way out here. But dying is not in my plan.

Cold Arms and the no-name Dwarf approached me brooding. Assassins have sensitive noses, you see. Like that of horses. So that they could muster all their strength to run away at the slight hint of trouble.

“What is the matter? You look kinda glum.”

“Oh nothing. This woman, she woke up. I had to do it when awake.” 

“Growing a conscience, are you. And here I was thinking you were the strange one. Now you are making me look strange. Wait……, did you spit your verses this time?”

“Huh..? No, It was all in a hurry.”

Cold made a frown and worded in a solemn tone,

“Do what you may. Go in front of the burial ground and chant them. These kind of regrets become dead weight, and keep on dragging you.” 

The Dwarf having observed the back and forth, opened his mouth.

“Both of you speak no sense. Shiv never was the right one for this job. He’s taking it too personal. Shouldn’t be feeling nthin. ‘therwise you are a nut job.”

“Sheesh you and your problems. Kid, cheer up. Nothing is going to happen.” 

I heaved a sigh so large that the entire bar puffed into a balloon.

“Never mind. This was my last job anyway. I quit.”

Every man in the business stopped everything and looked at me through the normies. And they all heard the metallic door shut with a “clang”. 

4.

And down I go into the pot of average. Mixing into the soup boiling at 100 degrees. There is an upside to all of this. If mysterious entities want to find me for passing judgement, they might mistake me for others and pass judgement onto them. Who could find a pin in a haystack?

My past life came back to me, before I had taken the ‘profession’ and after my uncle left this world.  

He left me a fortune, a sum of money, an estate and his personal library. He collected books of all sorts. The moment he died, I burnt down all of them. These books could never replace his sagely utterings.

With the money, I drank, slept with multiple women and partied hard with the right concoction of drugs. Nights flew by without notice.

I just couldn’t go back to this life the same way. Things have happened in between. Instead, I went to a bar to observe my past.

And I observed. I saw the drudgery of the everyday, the way people pointlessly hit against each other; women wore to seduce, men got seduced, bouncers sat the edges keeping eye and pruning the place for acceptable madness; both normal men and lonely souls got drunk equally. It was all that I had done seen in soft frames, but it seemed all distant and fake. No content in it. No life in it, as if an automaton were screwed into action.

One such night, a man struck me intriguing. He hunched his beak into a glass of bluish ‘whatever’, something intoxicating, I suppose. I never bothered with names of cocktails.

Within seconds, I found teleported besides him due to a drug called the sweet liquor and initiated,

“What are you sad about, mister?”

He turned himself as if a toy were doing it slowly, and spoke,

“What are you happy about?”

“What not? The infinite possibilities. It might turn out any way it wants.”

 “Exactly the same reason, I am sad about. The world might go up in smokes. Hong Kong will stop being Hong Kong.”

Like every other person I know, this was an attempt at dampening the fire in my heart. There is a simple response to all of this.

“Why do you care so much about future if it goes up in smokes anyway?” 

He narrowed his eyes and squeezed them. After this, he let out a burst of laughter,

“Sorry, I am out of control. I didn’t expect someone to go on after my reply.”

“Oh no problem. You are just perfect.”

“Am I?”

“Yes, you are.” 

He giggled and his facial muscles softened.

“Say that to my ex.” I waited.

“You know. Even in the worst times, you get all kinds of people. Some gruesome, some awesome. I guess that’s a thing to hope for.” 

“Yes.”

And then, we spoke about day-to-day problems, personal and international. At the hundredth hour(couldn’t count with the number of glasses), he declared in a somber tone out of nowhere,

“I found out my wife was cheating, recently, maybe a month before. And now, our relationship is in the wrecks.”

“Oh!!”

“I had dedicated myself to her. But she betrayed me. I can’t seem to find a reason to live. What do I even live for now?”

Some muscle in my being twitched at a certain possibility, of relieving his pain eternally. But I held back for my own good. I threaded the words neatly,

“So, you don’t believe in your future?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Huh.”

If this is not checkmate, nothing is.

“Why do you care? You seem to care that there is no future.”

“Yeah….. I suppose I do.”

“Then you have to create a new one.”

Silence loomed between us, the beats from the dance music interceding. Tonight, it didn’t move me enough. After a while, he shrugged his shoulders

“I got nothing to say. I guess, I don’t know…..” 

“Uh-huh.”

“But damn, you are dangerous. I should be careful around you. How did you learn to speak like this?”

“Haha. My uncle, of course.”

I couldn’t be more prouder. This must be my last set of words, that I recalled from the file called “Last Night”.

Everything after was a mish-mash of things, new faces, lights and more liquor. Some things I remembered of the guy dancing, vomiting, and rushing off the club to do something important. Something involving the “The Guy.” I don’t remember any other details. Good, finally a poor soul had found hope, to scrounge the last bits from the skins of an empty pot. 

That night electrified even more, reaching a new high than before, instantly shattering into thousand pieces. Past, and future merged into the present. In each shard, was a snippet of my past feeling its way into the amalgam. Never did I wish to go that far back. In one, I found my ancestors hunting animals and being ‘complete animals’. Just kidding, I don’t recall seeing anything like that. 

The largest one was that of my mother and father, comfortable, cosy and warm. And the two left just like the warmth.

Another one was being taken in by my uncle, who had a life secluded in the woods. I felt my routines pass by me in the enormous cottage. Mopping the floor, cleaning his library, wiping the dust off each of the books, reading those same books, and sleep early. Every routine took the life out of me, except the stories recited at the end of the day by my uncle. He recited in elaborate detail an eclectic mix, of Homer’s poems, Buddha’s stories, and the Gita. It completely enthralled my senses and made me forget my physical agony for days.

Accompanying these memories were some unsettling ones. No burgers could make its way inside the cottage. One day I had asked him, “Can I make the burger myself?” He turned red with wrath, “You will go hungry for a day.” and punished me dearly. For food, there were times I went hunting for flora like mushrooms and roots, and the fauna, like rabbits, squirrels and even deer if I was lucky. Each one I had to gut and cook myself with a personal mixture of herbs, as per his dictums that “one must experience the cruelty of life to understand its kindness. Revel in the world’s contradictions and mysteries.” But, the blood was too much for me. Some days, I would turn sick from the gruel and go hungry. It painted my childhood with a certain reddish hue.

Each emotion, each speck, was connected in a network of fungi. One memory pulled onto a series of others. All the happiness, and bitterness rushed at the same time.

Oh Uncle! Why were you so right?

Then began, his cancer. If it had not been cancer, it would have been something else. I was already torn between options at a young age of fourteen.

“This is all degeneracy. No one should cling onto ……(coughing)…life like this.”

“What will I do if you go?”

Tears trickled from my eyes. He turned his head away. 

“I don’t know. I have taught you everything …(coughing)… Everything I know about this world.”

“I don’t care. I only need you.”

“Don’t be selfish, Ben. Don’t make me suffer.”

 I cried,

“Just kill me Ben. All I will do is reach the giant ball of life. “

Even in his dying state, I moved to his words like strings attached to a puppet. It was frustrating to the utmost degree.  

Was this an act of kindness or cruelty? Tell me, dear Uncle.

And then began years of debauchery. Drinking, women and drugs. After an uncountable iterations of such events, I saw a “Wanted: Dead or Alive” poster on a board. The description went, “this man is wanted for murdering his own father and step-brother.”

Within me, an idea became nascent. If there should be a doctor who saves the sick, there must also be an assassin to kill them. To cure the world of the wanted, the have-nots, to reduce their suffering. All to become one in the end. 

As I peered deep into his eyes, the abyss, I could pity the poor soul for having crossed fates. Just like the fungi, this idea spread its influence wide underneath, until one spring. Then it was everywhere, on my face, on my shirt and even on my very soul.

To make the living dance on the stage of life and death. That was my role.

After this motley of dreams (or) memories, utter darkness descended upon me like a hammer. 

I woke up with a terrible headache. Worse, my head was lying on something metallic, pricking my head like a bed of thorns. I opened my eyes to greyness bounded closely by walls of steel. Light reflected off the bags of rotten fruits, vegetables, bones, and what people call ‘trash’. 

I rose up from the dumpster. The pungent smell made me gasp for air,

‘What happened yesterday? Is that man okay?’

And I veered away from the alleyway into the main street. As my visage appeared on the passerbys’ corneas, they shrieked, some held their senses from leaving their bodies. In their eyeballs, could I see a man raking the life out of himself. The bright golden star over the horizon was joining in the embarrassment, by blinding me and throwing a light over my very existence.

Shock chilled me to my very bones. 

“No, I couldn’t. It is not possible.”

Maybe my faces would fit one of those posters. It disturbed me deeply. 

Nevertheless, I dragged my alcohol-ridden body off the concrete with ghost legs. And then a voice took me by surprise,

“Dictator Karim…. scandal. Some woman came forward and alleged she was his mistress for a year or so.”

Oh my devil’s ass!!

 5.

I woke up lighter today. My dietician could never have achieved this. Nothing feels good than taking revenge on that man, that wanted me dead.

 “Justice’s served” as it went in one of those cop shows. 

But beneath all that lightness, something heavier was brooding and taking refuge.

“Who would visit me now?”

Golden rays shot through the windows, like it were stabbing the carpets laden on the tarnished wooden floor. Flowers dipping in a vase over the table faced towards the sun excited for more drama. In each place of my room, was a suitable component that enlivened my spirit. An aquarium, hamster wheel and also a comfy sofa. Everything to complete me. If anything were to be taken, I would fall into great despair. Nothing should go out or come in, except me.

Then, the door trembled with life as someone was either kicking it or banging it very loud. Who could this be? I gulped. I waited for a while to see that person would just leave thinking I am not there.

“I know you are there.” That voice sounded familiar.

A peek from my window looking towards the door. It was a young man in his early twenties, with you know those features, Asian features. Maybe it was someone from my past.

“Open the door, you dumb bitch. This is ‘Shiv’.”

‘Oh god. It is the Grim reaper. He has appeared to claim my soul.’ As I turned back, I tripped and fell onto the carpet making a huge ruckus. 

I went in for the attack,

“What are you here for? “

“You know why I am here. You ruined the peace I gave you. All that kindness squandered.”

“You are not my boss. I do whatever I want.”

“Whatever you want…? Open the door now, you bi–!!”

“Are you here to kill me?”

“Kill you. There is no point. They will be looking for me too. Even if I wanted to, I wouldn’t. The giant ball doesn’t need you, yet.”

“What giant ball?” What is this man blabbering about? 

“The ball of afterlife. Where everybody goes after death.”

 I quickly unlocked the door latch and let him in. Oh Lord, what have I done? What kind of devilish curiosity do I hold?

I have desecrated my temple walls, with not one but two monsters. He looked around for a chair and sat on one. I made him tea and served it on my best cutlery,  as I do with all my guests.

“What is this giant ball you keep talking about?”

“You wanna hear about this from me?”

“Yes. But if it turns sour, I will call the police. So better be quick.”

I didn’t know where this courage came from. Maybe from the deep anguish. He sounded more entertained than afraid.

“Hooh! You think you can threaten me. Things have always been in my fingertips. Well, I will tell you what this it is, anyway.”

He took a sip of tea from the cup I cherished. I regretted providing him tea. 

“It is where we go after dying and unite. Live in complete unity, different from this world. Like in an ocean.”

“So it is a ball where everyone goes.” 

“Yes.”

“Is Karim gonna be there too?”

“Yeah…. It is not a ball of morality but of karma.”

“What about me?”

“Yes.”

“Then I reject it with my every fibre. I will make the ball hell for him.”

 “Ah….”

 He grew silent, staring blankly at me, squeezing his eyes for a few seconds and moving his hands to close his mouth gazing deeply into space. After a minute I think, it seemed like an hour, he gulped and pushed sentences as if he was unsure.

“I had been a fool. I never thought about this. How could you and Karim go to the same place? It would be mayhem for everybody. Then think about all the perpetrators of violence and the victims. They couldn’t go either.” 

This is why I never went to church. Verses from the bible were so indirect and mystic.

“Uh-huh… What are you saying?”

“Oppressor and the oppressed. Predator and Prey. Father and son. They could never end up in the same ball. This ball, I had been imagining a happy and harmonious place. Even in the ball, this life continues. I didn……..” 

Words halted in the last moment. 

“I must leave. I have been seeing things wrong.”

 He left for the corridor and stopped as he opened the door. His back darkened the bright spot of sunlight rushing into the room. His final words reverberated in the chamber like that of ghosts.

“I have a last job to take care of…..” 

Weeks later, doves flew from the south and sung out in complete vigor,

“Lord Karim is dead. He didn’t make it to the ball.”

And pure bliss took over.